Content Warning: This article contains a description of gun violence.
I was having dinner with my two best friends when we heard some loud bangs. At first we thought it was fireworks. As the sounds became faster, we realized they were gunshots. Glass shattered; panic ensued. We fell to our hands and knees and shakily crawled to safety. After fifteen minutes of fearing for our lives, the shooter was gone. But our fear was not.
Two days later I had my regular appointment with my therapist. I told her about this traumatic experience and she asked if I wanted to try it EMDR therapy. She explained that this therapy uses bilateral stimulations to activate the left and right sides of the brain, just like when we sleep. (EMDR stands for ‘eye motion desensitization and reprocessing’, a technology which has been used since 1987 to help people overcome traumatic experiences.) “It can help you move the trauma through the brain track so it doesn’t keep playing in a loop,” she said. Between blubbering I replied, “Of course. Let’s do it.’
I have been doing five weekly EMDR sessions to help me get past this active shooter experience. Below I describe my very first experience with this type of therapy.
My first experience with EMDR
For
As an Audible learner, hearing myself out loud helps my cognition and processing. Additionally, I appreciate the professional advice therapists can provide. For these reasons, I usually prefer talk therapy, which I have been following since February 2022.
Around the same time, another friend of mine started therapy. As we tracked our progress, he told me he was practicing EMDR with his therapist. I asked him what that was and he outlined the basics. It sounded cool and innovative, but I didn’t feel like I needed EMDR.
Fast forward to the shooting and I believed the exact opposite. I wanted to do something to rid myself of the flashbacks.
Before our EMDR sessions, my therapist played a video for me to see what the process was like. Initially I was reluctant to do the modality because I could tell the person was upset. But by the end of the video, I was more open to it: I could see the noticeable relief on the participant’s face. I felt like that was the feeling I needed, so I agreed to try EMDR.
During the day
My therapist and I started our EMDR sessions three days after admission. Each time she had me start by taking deep breaths. Then she asked me to think about the painful memory. The key here is to think of a visual image that accompanies the stressor. In my case, it was me sitting on my knees and counting my breaths to avoid thinking, ‘You’re going to die.”
Once I came up with this image, she asked me how disturbing it was on a scale of one to ten. I answered her question, took another deep breath, and then stood up straight to follow her fast-moving hand with my eyes. “Let the thoughts come up as they may, and we can go from there,” she said.
“The world is a bad, scary place,” was my first thought. “Let’s keep doing that,” my therapist told me. Then: “I’m helpless.” “Okay, keep going,” she said. “I did something wrong.” We did this until I looked and felt less upset, which we would know if my rating of that feeling was lower. This lasted five or six minutes, sometimes up to ten.
After the first session I noticed that I was a little less triggered by the trauma – which is the ultimate goal of EMDR. I also realized that this was even more painful for me because I had placed a negative value on my actions that night. And this meant that I could start doing the work to release that “wrong behavior” from my actions. This all came from just one session, so by the end of the five sessions I felt even better.
Still, I have to admit that I was somewhat surprised by this approach. There is virtually no conversation, especially compared to what I experience during my normal talk therapy. I was also surprised because EMDR in real life was much more tiring than I expected. I cried and slept a lot of on my EMDR therapy days – we’re talking 13 hours after my last session.
After
When I completed EMDR therapy, I noticed a number of things. (It’s worth noting that although I did five sessions, according to the American Psychological AssociationEMDR is typically done once or twice a week, for a total of six to twelve sessions. As my therapist explained it, you know you’re “done” with EMDR once the memory is significantly less disturbing.) For starters, I didn’t have as many flashbacks to that disturbing image anymore. And the flashbacks I do have are less intense each time. I have also internalized that the world is not a bad, scary place; I just had it An bad, scary experience. I am not a helpless person; I just stood there helpless That moment. I didn’t do anything wrong; I’ve done everything I can could.
Today, I operate in a good, fun world as a highly skilled person who knows exactly what to do, even in high-pressure situations.
If you’re thinking about trying EMDR, talk to your therapist about how to get started and what to do to prepare. It’s been almost three months since my near-death experience. And while I don’t want that ever If I go through something like this again, I’ll be happy to know I have EMDR in my coping toolbox. Because now, when I see my trauma on the train tracks, I gently say, “Keep moving.”
Natalie Arroyo Camacho is a San Fernando Valley-based journalist with more than five years of experience in wellness and lifestyle. A proud child of immigrants and first-generation Mexican-American, Natalie has had her byline featured in the Los Angeles Times, GQ, Teen Vogue, Remezcla, PS and many others.